Now that I have some spare time and we have a babysitter, we can go see a movie this weekend. Now, we saw the one I most wanted to see, Walk the Line, when my father-in-law was out (I thought it was better than Ray, but that may be because I’m racist). So what’s next on the list?
Chronicles of Narnia ? Too many Christian themes being shoved down my throat for this secular humanist.
Harry Potter ? Too pagan for this fundamentalist Christian.
King Kong ? Too racist.
Memoirs of a Geisha ? Too sexist and too racist.
Pride and Prejudice ? Too Eurocentric and too boring.
The Gay Cowboy Movie ? I already have the Heath Ledger – Donnie Darko amateur gay porn video, so I don’t think I’d miss much. Besides, I might be forced to accept my suspicions that this movie is being treated with kid gloves by critics because of its subject matter. And I refuse to accept that!
Syriana ? I’ll watch movies trashing the USA… but only on DVD.
Rent ? I’m inferior because I don’t have AIDS and live in a Village slum where I work on my art and/or dance. I got that from the play. Does the movie have anything else to offer? Didn’t think so.
The Family Stone ? If I want to see a white, self-involved, liberal family, I’ll walk over to Queen Anne Hill and knock on a few doors. Pass.
Aeon Flux ? While the idea of Charlize Theron in tight vinyl outfits sounds like fun, she’s clearly being exploited for her body. Therefore, I am offended and will not see it. Plus, I’m pretty sure it sucks.
Chicken Little ? I’ll hold out seeing crap like this as long as possible. I’m sure when Baby Moose is four she’ll be dragging my ass to Chicken Little 3.
Fun With Dick and Jane ? I don’t know what that “fun with dick” refers to, but I’m not taking any chances.
Looks like I’m out of luck. Why doesn’t anyone make a bland, non-offensive movie that I can kill two hours seeing? Or, failing that, why isn’t The Ice Harvest playing around here?