As I was sitting around the court level of the law school tonight before Contracts listening to a bunch of quasi-lawyers opine about who should or shouldn’t be the next justice of the Supreme Court, it occurred to me who the next SCOTUS justice should be: Yours truly.
It works for everyone. I won’t ever have to look for a job again and the country gets a justice that has some legal training (4 credits plus half a year of contracts is plenty), but not the taint of ever being an actual lawyer. Think of how much easier it is for non-lawyers to read the words of the Constitution without all of that bar exam knowledge getting in the way.
I don’t really want to move to Washington, DC, but I will in service for my country. Especially if I have a driver. And George Soros is barred from buying the Nationals. And Spurrier is brought back as the Redskins’ coach so I can mock his stupid visor from my box seats.
Not convinced I have the experience and knowledge to judge cases at that level? No problem! If I’m puzzled by a case I’ll just happen to run into Scalia in the Supreme Mens’ Room urinal bank (Do those robes have a flap?) and strike up a conversation with him. “A-dog! What a case, ha? Whew! She is a doozie! I’ve made up my mind already, but which way were you going to vote? Going to the Wizzards tonight?”
If Scalia starts to catch on I’ll just “run into” Ruthie Ginsburg in the men’s room and vote the opposite way as she does. (On a related note, if I run into Stevens in the men’s room I’ll throw his glasses in the toilet! Burn!)
I wouldn’t drop by Thomas’ office, though. I’ve seen enough porn and had enough pubic-hair Cokes to last me a lifetime. (Well, I’ve had enough pube Coke, at least.)
Still not convinced? Would some confirmation hearing comedy bring you around? How about Arlan Specter grilling me on some post on this blog? Ha? “Mr. Moose, I can see here that some dude flicked his cigarette at you last year around Christmas and then some lady accused you of being racist when you called him on it. So that brings me to my question: Would you vote to overturn Roe v. Wade?”
And I can guarantee you I’d set the record for using the term “clusterfuck” during any hearing since the confirmation of James Madison as secretary of state.
Plus, I’ve always wanted to hear someone answer Ted Kennedy while making “glug glug” noises every few seconds.
And say goodbye to boring SCOTUS arguments. When I am on the bench, I will liven up the judicial process. Sometimes I’ll declare “Physical Challenge” and make the lawyers fight each other for my vote. In particularly annoying cases I’ll release lions into the courtroom and let the cats inflict justice of the jungle (or, more accurately, the African Savannah.) Or maybe I’ll just flip a coin as the parties are leaving and say loudly, “That’s not the way I would’ve voted, but you’re the magic coin!” (I think Sandra Day O’Connor may have actually decided cases this way.)
So I say we get Taft’s reinforced chair out of storage because it’s time for a Bull Moose on the Supreme Court.
